Awakenings

Sometimes it is not far away but it is inconceivable. It is easy and you are a coward for avoiding it. You dream it and know it and you recognise it when it swings into view in front of you but you sicken suddenly and cannot move your hands. You cannot reach and you stammer in your mind and justify your cowardice. So many things hold you from it, and none of them exist.

And then it happens and you see it fall into you slowly so that you don't have to reach, and you find your arms lift and touch it and don't remember telling them. It is obvious and easy and there is no rush of adrenaline, and no ecstatic release. There is only mild relief and a subtle easing that lasts for days and changes you so that you won't change back.